Secrets
by LibraryStowaway
Summary: Rita has a secret, she's managed to keep it to herself for months, but there comes a point where she can't keep it hidden any more.
1. Chapter 1

_This is something I've been working on for a while and I've finally found the courage to post it. The first part is only short but I'd love to know what you think to it and if you want me to continue._

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 **TRIGGER WARNING : Eating disorder.**

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Secrets-Chapter 1

She was good. She was a good friend, you could rely on her, call her any time of the day or night and she'd be there no matter what you needed she'd do her very best to help you out. She was a good nurse, always going above and beyond for her patients, she never objected to staying well beyond the ends of her shift, her breaks were usually untaken but she was good at her job, she'd lost count of the number of lives she'd saved, and she'd never had a chance to keep count of the lives she'd fixed. She was a good person, polite, well mannered, she'd hold open doors, always say please and thank you and she never passed a homeless person without a smile and a handful of change but there was one thing that nobody else knew... Rita Freeman was a good, no, Rita Freeman was a brilliant actress.

She stepped wearily from the shower, sighing as she wrapped a plush towel around her torso, another, smaller towel, wrapped around her tousled blonde locks, "why do my days off always go so quickly?" she mumbled to herself as she studied her face in the mirror, "you're a mess Rita, why are you doing this?" she whispered to herself before wiping away a stray tear, "pull yourself together... come on, you can do this."

She padded softly back into her bedroom and began the arduous task of preparing herself for work, putting her 'face' on and preparing to give off an air of 'everything's alright.' She dried and styled her hair before sitting down at the dressing table in her room. Some people could spend an age applying the right amount of makeup to look 'natural' but not Rita, she wasn't going for a 'natural' look, no, she just wanted to look healthy.

She started with the primer, then the foundation, the same shade her skin used to be before it had taken on a sickly grey colour, she carefully blended the base before precisely applying highlighter and bronzer, she'd spent hours watching 'how to' contour videos on the internet and now she was an expert, no one would ever know how much makeup she used to hide her sunken eyes and hollow cheeks, "you can do this" she repeated as she finished off her make up and applied a thin coat of clear lipgloss, "it's just another day."

She dressed quickly before making her way downstairs, she made herself a strong black coffee in her travel mug and slipped on her jacket, it would take her over 30 minutes to walk to work, the caffeine would be just the energy she needed, hopefully it would be enough to get her through the day.

It was almost 14 hours later when she stumbled tiredly back into house, she poured herself a large glass of water and took it upstairs to her bedroom where she changed into shorts and a vest top before taking a scrap of paper from the pocket of her jeans, ' _banana 105, apple 95'_ She nodded to herself and made her way over to the cross trainer in the corner of the room, she could do it, she had to burn off 200 calories before she so much as started the hour of exercise that she did every night, That was all she had to do, exercise and sleep, "come on" she mumbled to herself, "you can do this...you need to do this."

The next morning started just the same as every other, wake up, another hour on the cross trainer, shower, make up, work. She was managing quite well, she'd even bought her own scrubs so no one would notice that the size 12s she used to wear now almost smothered her, even the size 8s she now had were getting loose, she told herself she'd stop, once she got to the point where these scrubs fitted comfortably she'd stop...but the thought of 'just a few more pounds' was far too tempting a thought, "yeah" she nodded, a few more pounds and then she'd stop.

She was amazed nobody had noticed, and she couldn't help but wonder if she'd notice if anything was wrong with her colleagues, her friends. She'd like to think she would, but then again she'd like to think somebody would notice her, somebody would notice what she was doing to herself. She was a nurse, of course she knew what she was doing was dangerous, stupid even but now, she was in too deep, she knew she wouldn't be able to stop, she knew there was only one way out...she also knew that if she asked for help from any of her colleagues she'd get it, but at the same time, a little voice in the back of her mind kept reminding her, nobody had noticed...nobody cared.

Little did Rita know, her world was about to come tumbling down around her, she was struggling to perform chest compressions on a patient, she just didn't have the energy or the strength, she glanced around, "Lofty, can you take over please?" she asked as she saw the other nurse writing something on the patient's notes.

"Sure" he put the notes down and took over from Rita, "are you okay?" he asked, noticing how pale she looked, how bloodshot her eyes were.

Rita saw Zoe look up from the patient they were treating, obviously waiting for her reply, "yeah...yeah" she frowned slightly as the edges of her vision blurred, "I'm...I'm…" she didn't have a chance to finish as everything went black and she stumbled backwards, knocking over an equipment trolley as she crashed to the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for reading/reviewing, I was so nervous about posting this, it's a subject that's quite close to my heart so I hope I it justice. That being said, there may be a few things that aren't true to life or that I've had to twist slightly to take the story where I want it to go. I'd love to know what you think to chapter 2 and I'm open to any suggestions anyone may have._

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 **TRIGGER WARNING : Eating disorder.**

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Secrets-Chapter 2

"I've got it" Dylan dashed over from his own, stable, patient and caught Rita's head just moments before it cracked against the tiles, "I'll take her next door" he gestured to the empty room, "Can you keep an eye on Mrs Jenkins, call me if you need me?" he asked Tess who nodded in response. He braced himself to lift Rita from the floor before frowning as he realised just how little she weighed.

"How is she?" Zoe asked, walking into the room after her own patient had been stabilised and moved up to theatre.

"She needs a good meal, I've lifted bags of shopping heavier than her, she's still unconscious, her blood pressure is through the floor and she's bradycardic. Why has no one noticed how ill she is? I've sent off a full set of bloods but I'm in no doubt that they will tell me she's severely malnourished and lacking in all the essential vitamins and minerals and her liver and kidney functions are probably impaired. I'm giving her what I can intravenously but short of referring her to the psych ward for an evaluation…"

"No" Zoe interrupted him, "let me talk to her first, sending her up to psych isn't going to do her any favours."

Dylan nodded and handed over Rita's notes, "it's your call" he said before walking out of the room.

Zoe sat with Rita for a while before being called off to see another patient meaning Rita was alone when she finally woke. She groaned softly, her head was pounding, every muscle in her body ached and her eyelids felt like they were made of lead, what the hell had happened to her? It took her a while but she eventually managed to force them open, swearing out loud as she realised she was laid on a hospital bed, "you idiot" she mumbled to herself as she pushed herself to sit up, the simple action taking more energy than Rita thought she had. She turned off the monitors she was attached to so they wouldn't audibly alert anyone when she disconnected them. She didn't notice the IV line going into the back of her hand until she tried to get up from the bed and she swore again, she had no idea how much time she'd have to spend on the cross trainer to burn off what she'd been given and she wasn't even sure she had the energy anymore, especially not now everyone in the department would know her biggest secret. She carelessly pulled the cannula from her hand, not caring about the blood pouring from her skin as she slipped from the bed and checked the coast was clear before slowly leaving from the department.

"Dylan have you seen Rita?" Zoe asked as she came back from treating her patient to find the room empty.

"Not since I left her with you why?"

Zoe pushed open the door so Dylan could see into the room, "she's gone."

"Yes, I can see that...you might want to try and find her, I don't think I need to inform you of the risk she's in."

Zoe rolled her eyes, "thanks for stating the obvious Dylan" she said, making her way to the staffroom and retrieving her phone from her locker, she found Rita's number in her contacts and pressed call before swearing as she heard the phone ringing from inside Rita's own locker.

"Zoe, you seen Rita?" Dixie appeared in the door to the staffroom after finishing her shift.

"No, she erm, she passed out earlier, she was in the smaller resus room but she's gone."

"Gone?" Dixie frowned, "are you sure she's not gone back to work?"

Zoe shook her head and gestured for Dixie to shut the door, waiting until she had before telling her, "this stays between the two of us, but she's not fit to work, she's bradycardic and her bp was one of the lowest readings I've ever seen...Dylan picked her up after she passed out and he said she weighs nothing…" Zoe knew she was breaking every patient confidentiality rule there was, but she was worried about Rita, she trusted Dixie to keep the news to herself and thought that if Dixie knew just how ill Rita was she might help find her.

Dixie's face fell as she pieced together the information, "you mean she's...how long?"

Zoe shrugged her shoulders, "your guess is as good as mine."

Dixie swore, "I've just finished my shift" she said as she pulled her keys from her pocket, "I'll find her" she promised, "she'll be okay."

Zoe nodded and watched Dixie leave, she only hoped the paramedic was right.

It took over an hour for Dixie to find Rita, she checked the hospital grounds and drove to the nurse's house before finding her, curled into a ball on a bench in the park, "Rita" she said softly as she sat beside her, sighing softly as she noticed the tears running down her cheek and the dried blood on the back of her hand from where she'd ripped out the IV, "come here" she said softly as she helped Rita sit up. She bit her lip as she realised Dylan had been right, she weighed nothing, "Oh Rita" she whispered as the nurse clung to her, sobbing into her chest, Dixie feeling each of Rita's vertebrae protruding through her skin as she gently stroked Rita's back trying to calm her down. Dixie only pulled away when she felt Rita shiver against her, "here" she said softly, shrugging off her jacket and wrapping it around Rita's trembling shoulders, "can I take you home?" Dixie asked softly, "back to mine?"

Rita nodded before looking up at Dixie, "I...I need help" she whispered feeling like a tonne of bricks was lifted from her shoulders as she finally admitted her secret.

"Okay" Dixie nodded, "let's get you home and warmed up yeah, then we can talk if you want to."

Rita nodded shakily, "I...I don't know if I can…" she didn't feel like she had the energy to move anywhere.

"Okay Darling, not to worry" Dixie smiled softly, knowing exactly what Rita meant, "my car's not far away, I can carry you."

Rita nodded again, "thank you" she whispered as Dixie scooped her into her arms. She didn't know what it was but there was something about the older woman's embrace and Rita found herself unable to keep her eyes open a moment longer. She didn't wake as Dixie sat her in the passenger seat of her car, reclining it slightly to stop Rita's head lolling forward and she didn't flinch as Dixie leaned over her to fasten her seatbelt.

' _I've got her_ ' Dixie took a moment to text Zoe once she got in the car, ' _I'm taking her back to mine. She's told me she needs help D x_ '

Zoe's reply came quickly, before Dixie had even had chance to start the engine, she'd kept her phone in her pocket, waiting to hear that Dixie had found Rita. ' _Thank God you found her, if it's okay with Rita I'd like to come and see her after my shift, just to talk, I won't judge her or force her into anything xx_.'

 _'She's asleep at the minute, I'll talk to her when she wakes up and let you know.'_

 _'Thanks, don't force it if she doesn't want to, let her do things at her own pace.'_

 _'I will. I'm going to get her home now but I'll let you know how she is later._ ' Dixie sent the message before beginning to drive home, knowing she needed to help Rita but not entirely sure of the best way to go about it.

Dixie carried Rita into the house once they were home, she laid her carefully on the sofa and covered her with a thick blanket before carefully cleaning the blood from Rita's hand. She stood watching Rita sleeping for a few moments before making herself a cup of tea and settling herself in the armchair with her laptop, hoping the internet would have some suggestions on how she could help her friend.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you again to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter, it makes me feel less nervous about posting when I know people enjoy reading what I'm writing :)_

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 **TRIGGER WARNING : Eating disorder.**

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Secrets-Chapter 3

Rita slept for almost three hours, a slight groan quietly escaping her lips as her eyes fluttered open, every inch of her body ached, she felt like she'd been hit by a truck. "Hello Darling, how you feeling?" Dixie was by Rita's side in a second, brushing her hair back from her face.

"Dix" Rita mumbled quietly, struggling to sit up, her body lacking the energy to perform even the simplest of actions.

"You're okay Darling" Dixie helped Rita to sit up, "how are you feeling?"

"Crap" Rita said honestly.

Dixie sighed softly and wrapped her arm around Rita, "Zoe asked if she could come round to see you later, just to talk, I told her I'd ask you if it was okay."

Rita nodded, "okay" she whispered, "does she know?"

"Yeah" Dixie said softly, "she does, so does Dylan but you know they won't say anything Rita." Rita nodded again, "would you like me to make you something to eat?" Dixie asked cautiously, "maybe some toast or something, we can start small."

"Okay" Rita whispered even though the thought of eating even a mouthful of food terrified her, "will you eat something too?"

"Yeah if you want me to" Dixie said softly, "of course I will, I'll go and make it now" she passed Rita the remote for the TV, "why don't you make yourself comfortable and find us something to watch" she smiled, "I won't be long." She returned just a few minutes later with a tray, two plates, each holding a single slice of toast and two glasses of orange juice, "here we go" she smiled as she put the tray on the table and passed Rita a plate before sitting down with her own.

"Thank you" Rita whispered, her hands shaking as it took the plate. She looked at the toast, 'don't eat it' the voice in her head told her as she looked at the toast, one slice of white bread, 75 calories, then there was at least another 40 calories worth of butter or margarine. Rita knew the calories for everything, she also knew she wouldn't be able to work it off, maybe she could do some press ups or something once Dixie was asleep, she'd like to, in an ideal world she would but the realist in her knew she couldn't, she simply didn't have the energy and it would be far easier if she didn't eat the toast…"I, I can't, I'm sorry Dix" she whispered as she bowed her head.

Dixie had watched Rita so obviously fighting with herself, "okay" she said softly, not wanting to force Rita, she knew she had to do it at her own pace, "what about some fruit?"

Rita's mind went into overdrive, 'one medium apple 95 calories, a medium banana 105 calories, 1 kiwifruit 42 calories, half a mango, 100 calories, one medium strawberry 4 calories, 1 grape 2 calories.' "I don't...I can't do this Dix, I, I can't…"

"Hey" Dixie reached out and squeezed Rita's hand gently, "you can, you can do this Darling, it's not going to be easy but you know that, it won't be easy but you're not going to have to do this on your own, I'm going to be right here by your side. You can do this, we can eat the toast and then we can snuggle up and I'll put on one of those Disney films you love so much."

"Can you…" Rita closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "can I eat in the kitchen? I don't want you to watch me eat."

Dixie kissed Rita's temple, "you're settled, I'll go and eat in the kitchen" she said softly, hating herself for assuming Rita would just throw the toast in the bin was she in the kitchen, "take your time and shout me when you're ready for me to come back in."

"Thank you"

It was 20 minutes later when Dixie heard Rita call her back, she'd eaten her own toast and a sandwich and arranged for Zoe to pop round later that evening, "are you okay?" she asked.

"I feel sick" Rita whispered, "I'm sorry I…"

"It's okay" Dixie glanced at the plate and saw Rita had eaten almost half the slice of toast and almost finished the juice, "anything's better than nothing, we'll have lots of small meals until your stomach gets used to it again."

"I want to get better" Rita whispered, "I, I never meant to go this far" she said as tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dixie asked as Rita curled into her once again, "about why you…"

Rita shook her head, "not now" she whispered, "I'm too tired."

"Close your eyes then, get some rest."

"I…"

"I'll still be here when you wake up, I'm not going anywhere."

"Is Zoe coming over?"

"Yeah" Dixie began to play with Rita's hair, "she's going to come and see you after her shift, I can wake you up when she gets here though if you want?"

Rita nodded, "could I…" she shook her head.

"Could you what?" Dixie asked softly, her fingers still gently playing with Rita's hair.

"Could I stay with you, I mean I know it'll be a lot of trouble...it doesn't matter, I should never have asked."

"Hey" Dixie gently tilted Rita's head up so she could wipe at the nurse's tears, "you can stay here as long as you want to Darling. I said I'd help you get better and I meant that, we can go and get you some clothes and things once Zoe's gone. Now you close your eyes and get some sleep, you don't need to worry about a thing."

Rita nodded, "thank you" she whispered as she allowed herself to relax into Dixie, finally allowing her heavy eyelids to fall shut.

Once Rita had fallen asleep Dixie took a moment to look at the younger woman, her tears had made her makeup run revealing dark circles and pale skin, her hollow cheeks were carefully disguised with makeup and the wrist that had been draped over Dixie's waist was so frail Dixie wondered how it hadn't snapped already. "Oh Darling" Dixie whispered as she gently pushed Rita's hair from her eyes, "why didn't we notice" she whispered, her own eyes filling with tears, "why did nobody see what you were doing to yourself? Are we all so self absorbed that we completely missed you wasting away?" Dixie shook her head, not wanting to think what would have happened if Rita hadn't have been at work when she'd passed out. If she'd been home alone...Dixie shook her head again, she knew, she knew the damage Rita had probably already done to herself, she knew why Rita's blood pressure was low, she knew why her heartbeat was slow. She wanted to help her, she'd do anything to help Rita recover. Dixie only hoped the help wasn't too late.


	4. Chapter 4

_This chapter's a bit longer than the rest because I didn't really want to split it up. I'd love to know what you think, especially about the pace of it, would you like me to speed things up or are you happy with how things are moving along? And as usual, if there's anything you'd like to see happen please let me know and I'll do my very best to fit it in :)_

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 **TRIGGER WARNING : Eating disorder.**

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Secrets-Chapter 4

"How is she?" Zoe asked Dixie as the paramedic let her into the house a while later.

"She's asleep, I told her I'd wake her when you got here...she's asked me to help her, it's not a lot but she ate half a slice of toast and had some orange juice before she fell asleep."

Zoe nodded, "you're right, it's not a lot but it's a step in the right direction I suppose, the fact she's asked for help shows she wants to beat this and we shouldn't have to fight too much. I've spoken to psych, I didn't mention any names, I just told them it was about a patient, they've given me some advice, some suggested meal plans and things. ."

Dixie nodded and gestured into her kitchen, "do you want to make a brew? Give Rita five minutes to wake up?"

"Of course" Zoe slipped off her shoes by the door before walking through to the kitchen.

Dixie sat beside Rita and watched her sleep for a minute before gently shaking her shoulders, "Rita Darling" she said softly, "it's time to wake up."

"Wha...what?" Rita mumbled sleepily.

"Zoe's here to see you, it's time to wake up."

Rita frowned and glanced around the room, "she's making a cuppa, I asked her to give you a few minutes to wake up."

Rita nodded and snuggled into Dixie after Dixie had helped her sit up, "thank you."

She was still curled into Dixie when Zoe came into the room, "here we are" she smiled, putting mugs on the table for Dixie and Rita before sitting down in the armchair, "how are you feeling?" she asked Rita softly.

"I've been better" Rita said honestly, "I'm sorry."

"You've got nothing to be sorry for Rita." Rita nodded slightly before Zoe spoke again, "I've got these" she said gently as she pulled an envelope from her handbag, "Dylan ran full bloods on you, these are the results, would you like to see them?"

Rita nodded reluctantly, she didn't, she knew they wouldn't be good but she hoped, she hoped that seeing physical evidence of what she'd been doing to herself would be the kick she needed, "have you looked?" Rita asked.

"Yeah" Zoe said softly, "I have."

Rita opened the envelope and studied the paper for a while, her eyes filling with tears as she read the information, "it's not good is it?" she whispered.

Zoe shook her head, "it's not good no, but it's not so bad that it can't be fixed. It's not going to be easy though."

"I know" Rita whispered, "I, I don't want to be admitted"

"I didn't think you would. I think you would benefit from speaking to someone though, a therapist or…"

Rita shook her head, "no, I mean, I don't...I can't talk about it, not yet"

"Okay" Zoe didn't want to push Rita, "when you feel ready I can refer you to someone" she told the nurse, "I have spoken to psych though" she saw Rita's face fall, "I didn't mention any names, I just said I wanted to speak about a patient, they gave me these" she said as she put a folder on the coffee table, "there's information on support groups if you feel up to that, but there's also information on recovery, suggested meal plans, that sort of thing They suggested some meal replacement shakes if you find eating too much of a jump straight away, it's probably a lot to take in right now but take your time, read through it with Dixie and if there are any questions I don't mind speaking to psych on your behalf."

"Does everyone know?" Rita asked Zoe, unable to look her in the eye.

"No" Zoe said truthfully, "they know you fainted and they know you went home before the end of your shift but the only ones who know anything are Dylan and Me and I give you my word that I will not say anything to anyone without your permission and you know Dylan's not the type to gossip. I'd like you to let me tell Connie though."

Rita's head shot up so quickly Dixie and Zoe were surprised she didn't snap her neck, "what...why?"

"You need time off work" Zoe told her, "I'll need Connie to arrange that, I promise I will only tell Connie though and I will tell her in private."

"Everyone will know though, when I don't come in."

"We can just tell them you've taken some time off, or we can tell them you're ill but not go into detail, it's up to you."

"I don't want people to know...not yet." Rita thought for a moment, "you can tell Connie though."

"Thank you" Zoe sipped at her tea, "can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to" Rita nodded and Zoe thought about how to phrase her question, "you said you don't want to talk about what caused you to stop eating, what, what was it that made you change your mind?"

Rita fiddled with the edge of the blanket before answering so quietly Dixie and Zoe barely heard her, but what they did hear broke both their hearts, "I'm scared" Rita mumbled, "I don't want to die."

"You're not going to die" Dixie said firmly as she pulled Rita in for a hug, "I'm not going to let you."

"Dixie's right" Zoe told Rita, "you know the consequences of your actions but you also have the right attitude, the fact you want to change things will only work in your favour, nobody can force you to do this, we can give you all the love and support in the world but you have to want to do this, you have to want to make a change, the fact you keep saying you do means a lot Rita, I believe, and I'm sure Dixie does too, that no matter how long it takes you can beat this."

Rita gestured to the milky coffee Zoe had made her, the smell of the caffeine comforting her, after all, black coffee had been the only thing to pass her lips in longer than she cared to remember but at the same time the colour of the liquid terrified her, pale coffee was milky coffee, milky coffee was fatty coffee, there were no calories in black coffee, but there were at least 20 calories in the milk, "did you put sugar in that?" she finally asked.

Zoe nodded, "two" she thought it best not to lie to Rita.

Rita's hand shook as she slowly reached for the mug, 'that's 40 calories just in the sugar' the voice in her head reminded her as she carefully lifted the mug from the coffee table, 'more if they were heaped spoonfuls'.

"Steady" Dixie noticed some of the hot liquid spill from the mug to Rita's pale hand and gently helped her lift the mug.

Much like she had with the toast Rita sat looking at the murky liquid for a while before taking a small sip, "it's too hot" she whispered as she put it back on the table, "I will drink it though...I will" she tried to convince herself.

Zoe nodded, "I just have one last thing to ask you Rita...do you know how much you weigh?"

Rita shook her head, "I don't think I want to know."

"Okay" Zoe looked at Dixie, "do you have any scales?" the paramedic nodded and Zoe turned her attention back to Rita, "would you mind if I knew? Just so I can keep a track of your progress?"

Rita nodded, "I, yeah, I...don't tell me" she looked at Dixie, "you can come too but I don't want you to look at the scales."

"Okay Darling" Dixie agreed, "shall we go up and do it now? Or I can bring them down here?"

"Bring them down" Rita whispered, "I don't think I can manage the stairs."

Dixie kissed Rita's temple before carefully moving from the sofa and heading upstairs and Zoe moved to sit beside Rita, "I want to help you get through this" she told her, "I mean that, you and Dixie have both got my number, I don't mind if it's the middle of the night I want you to call me if you need anything, even if you just want to talk or cry, anything you need, I'll be there."

"Thank you" Rita mumbled quietly as she fiddled with the blanket.

"Here we go" Dixie put the scales on the laminate as she walked back in the room and turned them on.

"I'm scared" Rita admitted as Zoe helped her over to the scales, "I...it won't be good."

"You don't have to know" Zoe encouraged, "I won't tell you unless you want me to."

Dixie stood in front of the scales, "I'll stay right here and you can keep your eyes on me, I know it's not a pretty sight but it'll give you something to focus on." Rita nodded and stepped on the scales, her eyes firmly fixed on Dixie's as she waited, "we'll go and get your things when we're done here, then we can snuggle up and watch a film or something" Dixie said as she waited for the scales to beep.

"I...my keys are in my locker."

Zoe glanced down at the scales when she heard them beep, trying not to show how shocked she was when she discovered how little Rita actually weighed, "all done" she said, nodding at Dixie, when, without moving her gaze from Rita's she covered the display with her foot. "I'm going to the hospital to talk to Connie" Zoe told Rita as she helped her step from the scales, "I can get your bag from your locker if you want to wait in the car park with Dixie."

Rita nodded, "thank you" she whispered, clinging to Dixie, not entirely certain her legs would support her.

"Shall we go now?" Zoe asked.

Rita nodded and fumbled in the pocket of her scrubs before passing Zoe her locker key, "I just need my bag and my jacket please"

Zoe nodded, "Okay" she smiled, "I'll see you at the hospital" she said softly, "and I meant what I said Rita, anytime you need anything you can call me, you too" she said to Dixie, "I'm here for both of you."

"Thanks Zoe" Dixie smiled as she wrapped one of her own hoodies around Rita's shoulders, "we'll see you at the hospital, won't be long."


	5. Chapter 5

_I'm starting to get to the end of the chunk of this I had pre-written so my updates might start to slow down a little bit as I don't like posting things I haven't had chance to proofread a couple of times but I'm not abandoning this, I want to see what happens to Rita just as much as you all do!_

 _I've also written a little oneshot based on the Rita scenes from the Spring Trailer, it's called 'All I Deserve' and I'd love to know what you think it you haven't already read it :)_

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 **TRIGGER WARNING : Eating disorder.**

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Secrets-Chapter 5

Zoe said goodbye before heading out to her car, texting Connie once she was in the driver's seat knowing that the Clinical lead was working the night shift, _'I'm on my way in, we need to talk, I'll be about 20 minutes'_

Connie was sat in her office getting through some paperwork, the ward unusually quiet, she frowned slightly as she read Zoe's text, not sure what could be so urgent that Zoe would return to the hospital after a long shift just to talk to her ' _Okay, I'm in my office._ '

Zoe parked in her usual spot when she reached the hospital and quickly made her way to the staffroom, "there you go" she found Dixie waiting just outside the main entrance as she made her way back out to the car park once she'd got Rita's coat and bag.

"Thanks, Rita fell asleep in the car." Dixie took the things from Zoe, "thank you for all your help."

"If she's not eating it's not surprising that she's got no energy, and you don't need to thank me Dixie...this probably isn't going to be easy for you either so if there's anything I can do for you, you can call me too, Rita's got my number."

"Thanks" Dixie smiled sadly, "I better get back, I want to get her things and see if I can get her to eat something else before she falls asleep again."

"Good luck" Zoe smiled, "I'll call Rita when I've spoken to Connie"

Dixie nodded, "thanks Zoe, I owe you one." she smiled before walking back over to her car.

Zoe tapped firmly on Connie's door, waiting outside until the clinical lead called her in, "I need to talk to you about Rita" she said as she sat opposite her.

Connie nodded, "I heard she passed out earlier."

"Dylan sent off a blood sample for full analysis…" Zoe gestured to Connie's iPad on her desk, "can I show you her results?" Connie nodded and passed the device over, waiting for Zoe to log onto the system and pull up the results.

Connie's brow furrowed as she read the document Zoe had brought up, "has she been admitted?" she asked, the results of the blood test suggesting something was seriously wrong with the nurse.

Zoe shook her head, "she discharged herself...well, actually, she ran as soon as she came round. Dixie found her though and she's going to be staying there for a while."

"We need to get her back in...we need to find out what's causing this, she needs a…"

"I know what's caused it Connie, this stays between me and you though, Rita gave me permission to tell you and Dylan knows from treating her earlier but Rita doesn't want anyone else to know."

"Okay" Connie nodded.

"Rita hasn't been eating."

Connie's face fell… "she…"

"She doesn't even weigh 7 stone Connie, it's obviously been going on for a while."

"And nobody noticed?"

"Apparently not."

Connie shook her head, "is she okay? Have you referred her to…"

"She doesn't want to be referred to psych, I'm going to try and get her to see a therapist eventually but I don't want to push her, at the moment she says she wants to recover but she doesn't want to talk about anything...her eating is the most important thing at the moment."

Connie nodded, "is there anything I can do?" she asked.

"She's going to need some time off work…"

"Of course" Connie scribbled something on a scrap of paper, "I erm, I'll get cover for her tomorrow and sort something out in the morning, everyone upstairs will have gone home by now."

"Thank you...do you know how long you'll get for her? It's just I said I'd ring her when I'd spoken to you."

"If she doesn't want me to tell them the nature of her illness they won't agree to a large amount of time, I'll probably be able to get her six weeks compassionate leave for now but ask Rita to come in and see me in about a month and I'll get her more time off if she still needs it."

Zoe nodded, "thanks."

"It's my job, if you speak to her, tell her...tell her I know we might not have been the best of friends but I'm here if she needs anything."

Zoe nodded again, "I will, thanks Connie, have a good night." she smiled at her colleague before leaving the office and making her way back out to her car, stopping only to text Max and tell him to have an open bottle of wine and a warm bath waiting for her, she'd ring Rita once she was home.

Dixie meanwhile had woken Rita once they'd reached her house and all but carried the nurse into her bedroom, "what do you want me to pack?" Dixie asked as she pulled a large suitcase out from under the bed.

"I don't know" Rita whispered, "my head hurts."

"Okay Darling, I'll just pack you a few things and then we can get you back to mine and settled for the night." Rita nodded and curled her knees to her chest as she sat on her bed, "are you cold?" Dixie asked as she saw Rita shiver, taking one of the many blankets from the bed and wrapping it around Rita's shoulders, frowning slightly as she saw the tips of her fingers and her lips had taken on a blue tinge even though the house wasn't that cold.

"It's because I haven't been eating isn't it?" she whispered, "that's why I'm always cold" Rita shivered again.

Dixie nodded and took one of Rita's hands, rubbing it carefully between her own feeling every bone, every tendon under the paper thin skin, "I think so Darling."

"I hate it" Rita whispered as a tear rolled down her face, "I'm sorry, I've been so stupid"

"Hey, hey" Dixie sat beside Rita and wrapped her arm around her, "you're okay, you don't need to apologise, I'm sure you had your reasons for doing what you did and we can talk about those when you're ready but for now the only thing that matters is that you want to beat this. Now I'm going to get you some clothes together and then on the way home I'll stop at the pharmacy and get some of those meal replacement shakes if that's okay with you, and you can have one of those before you go to bed if you don't feel up to eating anything."

"I didn't drink the tea Zoe made me" Rita whispered.

"That's okay, I can make you another when we get back no problem, I'm going to help you beat this Rita, you're not on your own anymore."

"Thank you" Rita whispered before yawning slightly.

"Come on" Dixie finished putting Rita's clothes into the suitcase, "I've got a clean toothbrush you can have at home, let's get you back and get settled for the night."


	6. Chapter 6

_I've posted all I had pre-written now so my updates may be a little less frequent but I'm going to try and make them longer to make up for that._

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 **TRIGGER WARNING : Eating disorder.**

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Secrets-Chapter 6

Once again Rita fell asleep in the car but this time she woke as Dixie tried to lift her once they were back at the paramedic's house, "what…" she frowned, panicking slightly, not entirely sure where she was.

"You're okay" Dixie said softly, "we're home, I'm going to get you settled and make you another cuppa and maybe something to eat? Just something small" Rita nodded slightly, "and then we can go to bed, stick on a film and have a flick through some of those papers Zoe brought over if you feel up to it."

Rita nodded, "I'm so tired Dix" she whispered.

"I know Darl I know" Dixie held Rita closely with one arm as she unlocked her door, not sure the nurse could support her own weight any more, "I'll take you up to bed, get you comfy yeah?" Rita nodded again and Dixie carried her up the stairs to her bedroom, sitting her on the edge of the bed so she could take off her shoes before tucking her under the duvet and kissing her forehead, "we'll get you changed later, are you comfy?" Rita nodded and Dixie sat on the edge of the bed, "is there…" Dixie bit her lip as she thought about what she wanted to say, "I'd like you to try and eat something, is there anything you'd like?" she asked before telling Rita, "I stopped off at boots, got some of those shakes Zoe mentioned if you'd rather try one of those."

Rita nodded, "okay" she whispered, "I, I'm not sure I could eat anything right now."

"Okay" Dixie nodded, "Do you want vanilla, banana, strawberry or chocolate."

"Vanilla" Rita said quietly, "and can you, can you put it in a glass or something, I can't...if I know how many calories are in it I probably won't drink it" she said honestly, if she didn't know, she could try and convince herself the drink was low in calories, she could kid herself it would help her lose weight not gain it. Well, she could try…

Dixie nodded again and reached out to tuck a lock of Rita's hair behind her ear, "do you want some tea?"

"Can I, can I just have some water?"

"Yeah" Dixie gently kissed Rita's temple, she didn't want to push her too far too soon, the fact she'd agreed to try and drink one of the meal replacement shakes was a big step in Dixie's eyes, "I won't be long" she said,straightening the covers around Rita before heading downstairs.

Dixie fetched the bags in from the car and took out one of the meal replacement shakes, making a mental note to see if she could find them cheaper online, it didn't matter if she couldn't, she'd sell everything she owned if it would help Rita. She shook the bottle to mix the contents before pouring it into a glass, unable to believe there were 400 calories in the small amount of liquid. She ran her finger around the rim of the bottle before putting it in her mouth, surprised at how pleasant it tasted, she only hoped Rita would be able to drink it.

She carried the tray upstairs, half expecting Rita to have fallen asleep again but she hadn't, Rita was still sat up, propped against the pillows as she fiddled with the edge of the duvet, "are you okay?" Dixie asked as she put the tray on the bedside table.

Rita nodded slowly, "yeah, just tired and…" she shrugged, "I don't know."

Dixie smiled sadly and got into bed with her mug of tea, "your shake and your water are just there so why don't you try and drink some then we can get into our pyjamas and watch a film, I won't be offended if you fall asleep and leave me watching the Lion King again" she smiled.

Rita forced a smile, her hand shaking as she reached out to pick up the glass, "It'll have to be Beauty and the Beast then" she said before looking at the glass she held, "is that it?"

Dixie nodded, "that's it."

"I erm, I was expecting more" Rita admitted as she gently tilted the glass, watching the thick liquid roll along the side.

Dixie smiled, "no, that's the whole bottle" she said softly, "a couple of mouthfuls and I bet it will all be gone."

Rita nodded, chewing on her bottom lip as she shakily lifted the glass to her lips and took a small sip. Dixie almost cried at the sight, relieved that Rita seemed to be serious about wanting to recover. "it doesn't taste like I thought it would" she said after taking another small sip.

"Does it taste better or…?"

Rita shrugged, "I don't know, I just…" she shrugged again.

"Is that something you'd feel comfortable having again?" Dixie asked, "they only had one brand in the shop but there are others we can get online for you to try if you don't like it."

"It's okay" Rita sipped at her glass again before asking, "do you have a blender?"

"Yeah I think I've got one shoved in the back of a cupboard somewhere, why?"

"I erm, maybe we could bend some fruit into one" she suggested nervously, "it erm, it might make it taste a bit better and it'd mean I was eating more right?"

Dixie couldn't help but smile as she heard Rita's suggestion, "of course,I've got some bananas downstairs, I could blend those into a banana shake or one of the chocolate ones for your breakfast?"

Rita nodded, "yeah, okay" she said before taking another drink from the glass.

"I had a flick through the things Zoe bought over, they suggested whole milk as a substitute too, so we could make you some smoothies if you wanted, just fruit and milk or yoghurt."

"Okay" Rita nodded again.

Dixie smiled, "the leaflets suggested it might be easier for you to start with liquids and then slowly build yourself up to solid foods, "I guess that small glass is less intimidating than a plate full of food too."

"Yeah" Rita nodded, "I erm, I'm already starting to feel full"

Dixie glanced at the glass, Rita had managed to drink almost half of the contents, it was more than she'd expected, "okay, why don't we both get changed and get settled for bed, if you want to finish that while we watch a film you can but you've done really well just to manage that."

"It feels strange to feel full" Rita whispered, "I don't...if I was at home I'd be on the cross trainer right now."

Dixie took Rita's hand and squeezed it gently, Rita so frail Dixie was scared she's crush the bones beneath her fingers, "you know that that's not good for you though don't you? You know that this…" she gestured to the glass in Rita's hand, "this is what's best for you, this is what's going to get you back on your feet, this is going to stop you feeling exhausted all the time, it'll stop you always being cold, all those things you saw in your blood results, this will help correct them."

"I feel so stupid for letting myself get in this position" Rita whispered.

"Don't feel stupid" Dixie said softly as she wrapped her arm around Rita, "whatever happened, it's all in the past, Zoe and I, we'll help you beat this, and whenever you're ready we'll help you get over whatever it is that caused this and we'll help you keep moving forward, I know you'll have your reasons for doing what you did Darling and that's okay, what matters now is that you're willing and ready to try and beat whatever demons you've been fighting.

Rita nodded, "thank you."

Dixie gently tucked Rita's hair behind her ear and kissed her temple, "I'm going to go and put my pyjamas on and then I'll come and help you get changed."

Rita nodded again and gestured to the glass, "I'll try and finish this."

"Okay" Dixie smiled, "I won't be long" she said, grabbing what she needed and making her way out of the room to change in the bathroom.

Dixie went downstairs to fetch Rita's suitcase once she was ready for bed, however she dropped it in the doorway and rushed over to the bed when she found Rita curled up, awkwardly holding her stomach, "it hurts" she whimpered.

"What sort of pain is it?" Dixie asked, moving Rita's hands and gently feeling at her stomach, the nurse crying out in pain as Dixie gently applied pressure to her slightly swollen stomach, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"It hurts" Rita repeated, "like, like cramps."

"Okay Sweetheart" Dixie gently pulled the covers back over Rita, "I think it might just be your stomach stretching, did you finish the shake?"

"Yeah" Rita nodded, "I, I wanted to finish it" she cried.

"Okay" Dixie brushed her fingers through Rita's hair, "I think you probably drank it too fast, I'll get you some paracetamol and a hot water bottle and if they don't help then I'll ring Zoe."

Rita nodded, "thank you" she whispered, letting Dixie wipe away her tears as she stayed, curled on the bed, clutching her aching stomach.

Dixie helped Rita sit up once she'd fetched the painkillers, she kept one arm around Rita's waist as she passed over the two white pills and helped her sip at the water Dixie had brought upstairs earlier that evening. "Let's get you comfy then" Dixie laid Rita back down in the bed and laid the hot water bottle against her stomach, "so, Beauty and the beast is it?"

Rita shrugged slightly as she curled back into a ball, clutching the hot water bottle to her stomach, "I don't mind."

"Lion King?"

Rita shook her head, "Peter Pan."

Dixie laughed and nodded, "Peter Pan it is." Dixie put the film on and got comfortable in bed before she realised Rita was still in her uniform, "do you want to get changed?" she asked her softly.

Rita nodded, "can I do it on my own though? I, I don't want you to see me?"

"Of course you can, but you know I'd never judge you or think any less of you don't you?"

"I know" Rita nodded, not attempting to move from where she was curled up under the duvet.

"I'll get you some clothes out and then wait on the landing, you can shout me if you need anything" Dixie lifted the suitcase onto the bottom of the bed and opened it up, "is there anything in particular you want?"

Rita groaned slightly as she forced herself to sit up, "those blue pyjamas" she gestured into the case, "and my hoodie and some socks please."

Dixie got out the items Rita requested and laid them on the bed right next to the nurse, "I'll be right outside if you need me" Dixie said softly, stepping into the hall to give Rita some privacy to change.

It was almost 10 minutes later when Rita told Dixie she could come back into her own bedroom, Rita's shaking hands and complete lack of energy had made changing difficult but she'd managed it eventually and was now, once again, curled under the duvet, the hot water bottle held to her stomach.

Just as Dixie predicted, Rita fell asleep almost instantly once they were settled, she'd curled herself into Dixie and allowed her friend to hold her close before simply closing her eyes and letting herself to drift into a peaceful slumber.

Dixie on the other hand couldn't sleep, she was scared, terrified that the second she closed her eyes something would happen to her friend. She took a moment to look at Rita, she looked so fragile, so broken and Dixie knew she'd never forgive herself for not noticing what Rita had been doing to herself, it was so obvious and Dixie couldn't believe she hadn't noticed. She couldn't believe she'd not noticed how grey Rita's skin was, how hollow her eyes were and how much her cheekbones seemed to protrude from her paper thin skin.

She hated that she had absolutely no idea what it was that had caused this, Rita was supposed to be her best friend but Dixie didn't even have the smallest of inklings as to why Rita would do this to herself. It was obvious that starving herself was something that Rita had been doing for a while and Dixie hated knowing that, had the roles been reversed Rita would probably have noticed straight away and done everything she could to help her friend.

She sighed softly as she watched Rita sleep, the nurse looked so peaceful, so content laid against Dixie and Dixie knew she'd give her last heartbeat to see Rita look so settled every moment of her life. She shifted slightly and reached for the remote, she'd never seen the appeal of Disney films but Rita seemed to love them so Dixie had a selection just for her. She turned off the film and flicked through the channels, eventually settling on a repeat of a film she'd seen a thousand times before.

"What are we going to do hey?" She asked softly as she brushed Rita's hair back from her face, "what if I'm not enough, what if I let you down and you don't get better?" Dixie felt tears filling her eyes, "I can't lose you Rita, you need to beat this. I've already lost Jeff, I can't lose you too." Dixie shook her head and wiped at her eyes, "I couldn't help Jeff, there was nothing I can do, but you, I'm going to help you Rita, I'll do whatever I can, I'll give up work to look after you, anything, anything as long as you get better."


End file.
